me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
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Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.