wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
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*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
rise and shine we got egg
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom