WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
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Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?