Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
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As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.