Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
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even bears disappoint their mothers
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille