Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
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A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.