Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
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Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I don’t think my car can fly
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then