Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
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Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.