[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
You Might Also Like
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said