@slimmy_shady: [wife enters as I'm doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It's not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: [in court] Judge: You're the prosecutor? Prosecutor: Yes. Judge: So then who is this? Me: (flips hair) I'm the prosecutest.
@VenisVal: My friend's wife is so controlling. When they're together, he talks like he's filming a hostage video.
@maurex23: [drug test] WEED: what did you get for #15? HEROIN: the teacher said not to share answers. COCAINE: done LSD: this paper tastes like crab