WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
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WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Interior design 👌
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?