@Darchstar007: Wife: every time we argue, you think you're right. Me: yes, because if I thought you were right, I wouldn't be arguing...
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@Fredzipfel: Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It's not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
@Vice_Queen: My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world's biggest loser, he'd still only win 2nd place.
@weinerdog4life: Me: nice car Friend: yeah 400 horsepower Me: that's like 7000 ducks Friend: what Me: what
@Jazzzzzmina: Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you're happy and in love... Maybe I was in jail.