[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
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[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”