Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
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I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.