wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
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I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I have never related to anyone more.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”