[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
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(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down