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He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.