Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
You Might Also Like
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
crying
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.