[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
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I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
*checks Timeline*…
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up