[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
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Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
he’s doing your taxes
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
The struggle is real.