Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
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Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
i was baptized in a car wash
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
What the hell happened in there??
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.