WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
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My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.