WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
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Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.