wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
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She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…