[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
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I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Lucky old June.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?