Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
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My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.