wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
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Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Growing up was a huge mistake
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.