*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
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How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉