*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
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*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.