Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
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The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Meow
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now