Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
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Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Netflix and awkward silence?
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
#merica
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.