wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
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Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.