wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
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Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.