WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
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[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Actually cracking up @ this
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”