WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
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[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.