*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
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If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Me: …
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.