The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
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If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
#Caturday
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.