House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
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Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
fr
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Does it…does it take 3 days
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.