Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
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7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit