WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
You Might Also Like
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Merica.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
They’re on their honeymoon
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.