WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
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Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
is this meant to deter me
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
how was your vacation
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once