Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
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Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Omg 🤣
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones