Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
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It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
you know what ruined my childhood? children
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you