Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
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Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Flowers bee like
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Has science gone too far?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
2022 will be better than 2021
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is