WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Nice try Hitler
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”