WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
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Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
oh my gosh!!
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.