WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
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A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
The two types of wives
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.