WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
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I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.