Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
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*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Going to church you guys need anything
mom gave me mine for free
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.