WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
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I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you